salmonquiche

Hello sayang, I know that this was supposed to be about you sharing your doubts about me. But I think it's also time that I communicated better with you. This note will be with lot's of "sorry"s. A lot of what I'm about to say its the same thing - me having some un-communicated feelings or expectations which I don't tell you. To be honest, I haven't been feeling very good about us lately. I know we said before that I should not hold things in, and I should tell you if anything is bothering me instead of just keeping it in. I know, I just find it hard to do it because I feel bad for having these thoughts. I know its not an excuse and I'm not asking you to understand it but I just feel. I think, when we first started dating again, I was so happy, hopeful and excited for our future. Our Ramadan and our Hong Kong trip gave me a glimpse into a future that I wanted. I immediately went into my husband mode again, planning aggressively for my future life with ...

 Hey bloggedy blog blog, Delayed post for June but here we gooo. Well so much has happened since June. I think the 3 big events are: 1. Jakarta delayed Tiya birthday celebration with her friends, 2. Fareez wedding, 3. KL with Tiya. I know in my previous post I spoke about how I need to let go of my 'ideal' girl, but I just seem to have difficulty letting go of it and just wanting... more (?) I've been speaking to my AI a lot, and I think they have summarised my key dilemma: 1. Do you want someone who’s your home? 2. Or someone who’s your horizon? Do I want a partner to build a life with … or a partner who builds me into who I want to be ? You’re Chasing a Feeling, Not a Trait You might not actually want “more” stuff from her — more success, more looks, more interests. You’re probably craving a feeling: like being seen, challenged, mirrored, or activated . That’s not about what she’s lacking. That’s about what you come alive in response to. Sometimes “I want more” really...

  Hey Bloggy, sorry for not updating the last month. I guess I lost the battle of consistency once already, so today’s reflection will be for both April & May. There were so many things that happened in the last 2 months. As I’m writing this, I’m currently on a bus from Kuantan to Singapore, after attending Tok Ibu’s funeral. I’ve lost both of my grandmas in a span of 4 months :( It has truly been a year of loss for the family and I’m devastated that my kids will never meet them. In other big life updates… I guess I’m dating Tina again as a girlfriend. She has definitey changed so much as a person, so much more mature. She emotionally regulates well and she really respects and looks up to me. I’m beginning to love and miss her again. There are some teething issues, like my ick over her English language and how she shows up when meeting my friends. But some hard self reflection - are these non-negotiable? They aren’t. I think the way that we got back together is also pretty roma...

Heyy,  yes I know I've been procrastinating a lot. Its only been month 3 of this initiative and I'm already starting to slip, so I need to be disciplined again and consistent. Lets start with how we are feeling right now: Well I think overall, we just ended a month of ramadan, where we had consistent terawihs and qiyyams, praying for our jodoh. At this point, I just ended the best ever geylang bazaar reservist and I'm waiting to go on my bali trip with Farah and Gina. Key life stats: Relationship: I've reconnected with Tiya sort of, who's trying to get me to be her bestie again, which I have denied because I'm still toxically keeping her as a backup option. I have just told Hadaina that I will no longer be trying anymore. Peas in the pod told me that they have someone for me, but we will see how. But overall, I feel quite jaded about relationships despite having prayed so much and looking forward to post-ramadan for a relationship. I just want to be desired and ...

Hey blog!! I guess its time for my Feb recap now. I will try (my best) to be dilligent and updating this, as well as including photo dumps of the month.  Wow, looking at the photos, February was a whirlwind. But I will summarize some key learnings as reminders for my future: Nyayi's passing - This taught me the importance of family and responsibility, and how proud I am that my family stepped up to do what is required Lini Farhana - Lovvveeee exercising with her, but tbh I'm not digging this boyfriend expectations I have, and I don't appreciate being cancelled, and its gonna be some dumb reason anyway Gina & Gang - Had an absolute blast at Gina's wedding and for the greater part - KL. But I think I've started to grow to respect Gina a little less after her arrogance about relationships and expectations. But we will see how the Bali trip will be! Tiya - I will always love you Tiya :( I still don't know if I made the wrong choice, and maybe too late since I kn...

To my princess and loml, It's 4am and honestly, I'm truly heartbroken every time I think about you still. Many times I question myself for my decision. Many nights I wonder why I'm such an asshole to someone who's done so much for me :( I also think and wonder and talk to my ChatGPT too, why did we break up with so much love. An overflowing love.  The feeling I felt on the night I broke up with you was the same feeling I got when I first asked you to be my girlfriend - t he feeling of being seen, understood and the feeling that I found my equal, someone who I can rely on and has my back throughout no matter what.  Some way, somehow, in between the day we first got together and the last day we were together, what happened? The thing is, you have always cared. You have always put in effort. You have always shown love. Things didn't change. It just didn't translate to that same feeling of being  "seen, understood and the feeling that I found my equal, someone ...